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Dec 31

You’re Never Ready

Posted By iamincontrol | December 31, 2013

You're never ready
By Taylar

The Loss

You’re never ready to lose someone. For me, it was heartbreaking. I found out my grandfather had completed suicide three days after my baby sister was born. Before my mom’s marriage when I was six, my grandfathers were my only father figures; they were my role models, my best friends. On a Wednesday in 2003, I learned one of my best friends had left my life and was never coming back.

Dealing with Loss

The pain of that loss was unbearable. I went through so many different stages of dealing with my grief. At first, all I could do was cry. I remember a few weeks after his funeral I kept thinking, “No, he’s not really gone. He’s going to knock on the door tomorrow and be able to hug me again.” I was wrong. Years afterward, I put a lot of blame on myself, as many survivors of suicide do. I thought if I had just said, “I love you,” one more time that maybe it would have been enough to make him feel better and want to stay. Eventually I learned there really was nothing I could have done. In recent years I learned more of the details of what was going on that day and what led to his decision to end his life. That information brought a lot of anger to the surface. The only way I dealt with all those feelings I had was to talk about them. I talked about them out loud to myself when I was alone, I wrote about them, I visited my grandfather’s grave and talked to him; I did anything to get the troubling thoughts out of my head.

Moving On

Today I have let go of my anger; it wasn’t doing anyone any good to be angry at a situation that happened ten years ago. I got inspired to take a class at my university called “Death as a Part of Living.” Some might think that’s a little morbid, but having an experience with death sometimes makes you interested or curious. Now I’ve found a real passion for those going through the grieving process after losing a loved one, and I’m planning on going into grief counseling after I graduate. Even though you’re never ready to lose someone, you can’t lose yourself. It’s important to talk about what’s going on in your life and in your heart so that you know you are not alone. There’s still life after loss, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.

For more posts on dealing with grief, read these IAMincontrol posts:

Inspiration after Loss
An Unexpected Loss
Coping with Grief
A Wound that Never Heals