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Posted By iamincontrol | March 20, 2014
One day you wake up, and you’re just not the same. Depression hit me hard my freshman year of high school. I started to see myself in a whole different manner, and suddenly, my life was spinning out of control. Feeling empty, worthless, and sad became a part of my everyday life. It was the beginning of the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in my life.
To escape what became my ugly reality, I began cutting for emotional release. To me, feeling physical pain felt better than the emotional pain. It was an addiction. I hated myself and believed that I screwed up everything. Nobody could tell me any differently; I just couldn’t believe that I was loved by anyone or that anybody would care if I were gone. The worst part of the whole thing was that nobody knew I was suffering except me. I would come home from school and cry for hours. If crying didn’t make me feel better, I’d cut myself just enough to numb my pain for a while. Then, I’d put a “mask” back on and pretend like everything was fine again.
High school is supposed to be some of the best times of a teenager’s life, but it was certainly the opposite for me. I missed out on so much just due to my general anxiety and overwhelming sadness. I didn’t enjoy doing things I used to love. I just lacked motivation to do anything, and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. Eventually, after hiding my pain and scars for a year and a half, I told a trusted friend about my struggles, and he informed my parents. They got me help, and I’m now taking anti-depressants and have been through counseling. It’s been a long journey, but I’ve learned that if you just keep fighting your demons, you can conquer them. It may feel like nobody cares about you and that you are alone with your suffering, but you’re truly not. Many teenagers feel the same feelings you feel. You just need to take the steps to do what’s best for you so you can heal and enjoy life.
My battle with depression has been difficult for me. The road to recovery was certainly not easy, and I believe it’ll take much more work to become fully happy with my life, and myself. But I’m willing to make small steps to overcome every obstacle. There is help for everyone. Anything can be done when determination and change are present. I can’t change what the past took away from me, but I can shape my future. I choose to make every day count.
If you considering suicide, please call Your Life Iowa at 1-855-581-8111 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255). You can also chat with someone online by visiting their websites.
There is help.